Nicole Vanzant

Yesterday in Stanton, the funeral was held for Nicole Penix-Vanzant, who had made national news headlines when she disappeared in January.

According to news reports, her boyfriend said she got out of his car after an argument, after which she was never seen again. Although many news reports say he dropped her off at "Frenchburg General Store", which is described as being located "on a remote stretch of road in Menifee County", it's actually Dollar General Store on Frenchburg's Main Street. The authorities searched for her but found nothing, until late April when her jawbone and other body parts were inadvertently discovered by a hiker in the Red River Gorge.

The case still remains unsolved.

Kentucky Reptile Zoo

There are several places to check out cool snakes in the Red River Gorge area, but the Kentucky Reptile Zoo is by far the biggest and the best. Animals on exhibit here include cobras, vipers, rattlesnakes, and an 18 foot reticulated python. Not to mention an alligator named Fluffy.

If snakes - serious snakes, scary snakes (like, so venomous that you could drop dead just looking at them) are too intense for you, then this place probably isn't your cup of bourbon. But they do have some really cool turtles and tortoises too. The zoo is at 1275 Natural Bridge Road in Slade.

Seen here is a video from the Kentucky Reptile Zoo's YouTube archives, of Malayan Pit Viper eggs hatching.

Rose's Restaurant

One of the best places to eat in Slade, KY is Rose's Restaurant, which is located at 1289 Natural Bridge Road. As a wilderness roadhouse, the grub is great, but what we find unusual here is that the ceiling is covered in dollar bills, each of them autographed and inscribed from various customers. Why? We didn't ask.

Red River Museum

Located in Clay City, KY, the Red River Museum is a veritable treasure trove of odd antiquated items related to the Powell County area.

Two floors of amazing junk and antiques, plus outbuildings and a yard full of more stuff. Railroad memorabilia, rustic antiques, taxidermified animals (including a disturbing pair of prematurely born baby deer) , old photos and paper ephemera from the Gorge's history. The building itself is the former Clay City National Bank building, built in 1875.

Best of all, it's free.

Red River Gorge

If the Brady Bunch had come to Powell County, Kentucky instead of Arizona, they would have saved themselves all the drama and danger on vacation. They could have even made it a side trip during the time they traveled to Kings Island amusement park near the Ohio-Kentucky border.

The grand canyon is much bigger, to be sure, and is a well-known national monument. But it's mostly a dead empty arid barren hole in the ground, whereas the Red River Gorge is literally pulsing with life and energy, resonating with mystery and power. This place has drawn many a seeker of the weird, as well as seekers of nature.

So what is the Red River Gorge, exactly? Well, when most people refer to it, what they're really talking about is a much larger general area known as the Pottsville Escarpment. This is a dense mountainous area of forests and swamps combined with elaborate rock formations and outcroppings, the kind most people only think of as being a feature of the Western United States. The actual gorge itself is but one feature of the escarpment - it's a huge canyon that includes natural bridges, waterfalls, and archeological remains of ancient civilizations.

This area is well known for being a treasure trove of petroglyphs (rock art) etched by members of those ancient civilizations. I'm not going to tell you where to look, because so many of these precious artifacts have been vandalized in recent decades.

The area is very popular with rock climbers, campers and outdoorsy types in general. You could spend your entire life here - and many have - and still not explore all this region has to offer. Among its many bizarre natural wonders are:

* Natural Bridge. This is what draws most people here first. It's a beautiful "natural bridge" rock arch with a breathtaking view. It has its own park with miles of nature trails. Nearby Hemlock Lodge provides food and lodging.

* Sky Bridge. Although smaller than Natural Bridge, I prefer this one because of the way it splits in two at one end, giving the effect that you're standing on an immense dinosaur claw.

* Hopewell Arch. So named for the enigmatic ancient Hopewell civilization that once roamed Kentucky, and about whom we know precious little today. Amazing examples of their elaborate burial mounds still exist, as well as mystifyingly beautiful works of art.

* Star Gap Arch. Another stunning natural bridge formation, less traveled than the others and a bit of a walk off the beaten path from Tunnel Ridge Road.

* Slade Twin Arches. Still more amazing landbridges sculpted by time and erosion. These are a lot harder to find because their location is improperly marked on a lot of common maps. Many more arches exist in Kentucky, such as Rainbow Rock in Logan County, Fishtrap Bridge in Laurel County, and Smokey Bridge in Carter Caves State Park, but the ones in Powell County are the biggest and best.

* Cloudsplitter Rock. This is but one example of the gorge's sizeable stone promontories that make for great camping in the fashion of prehistoric cliff dwellers. (It was near this spot that a Feral Human was encountered by the author, but don't let that put you off from visiting.)

* Revenuer's Rock. This was once used by law enforcement as a scouting vantage point to watch for moonshine manufacturing activity. Many a harmless campfire was mistaken for smoke from a still, and many an innocent camper was harassed by government agents, so this spot soon fell into disuse for this purpose.

* Nada Tunnel. This is a narrow tunnel into rock which Route 77 takes you straight through, with one-way, one-lane traffic. It was originally a railroad tunnel built for loggers in the early 20th century and now has a considerable reputation as one of Powell County's most haunted locales, with numerous reports of hearing strange and unidentiable moaning and thumping sounds coming from inside the Earth when you're in the center of the tunnel. It's such a dangerous tunnel that ghosts no doubt lurk here from a century of automobile accidents. Some claim the tunnel is haunted by the ghost of a man who died in an explosion while working on the tunnel's construction. It's over seven hundred feet long with no interior lighting, so turn your high beams on and proceed with caution. If you're on foot or on a bike, we'd advise you to go some other way and skip the tunnel entirely - don't get yourself killed trying to listen for the ghost sounds.

High Rock Petroglyphs

Located in Nada, KY in Powell County, the High Rock petroglyphs are one of several mysterious rock carvings indigenous to the area. They're said to be made by very early Native Americans, though there are other theories about people from other lands having traveled through this region, as well as the legends of the ancient civilizations that dwelled in Kentucky even before the tribes we call Native Americans.

Pictured here is a piece of the High Rock petroglyphs, currently on display at the Red River Museum in Clay City.

Li'l Abner Motel

There are basically two types of Kentuckians.

(Don't you love it when someone starts a speech that way?)

There are those who embrace their hillbilly heritage and then there are those who would seek to ignore it, or worse, conceal it.

It should come as no surprise to the dedicated reader that I am of the former group, the True Group, the unrepentant hillbillies, the rightful heirs to the soil of Transylvania.

At one time, the hillbilly stereotype was a common fixture across the tourist traps of the South, as shrewd hucksters were "puttin' on the hick" to razzle-dazzle the know-nothing Northerners who came to gawk and learn the arcane mystic arts of miniature golf.

Nowadays, those places are a dying breed, what with the politically correct mindset reinforced by too much internet, too many cable channels, and too much toxic Nutrasweet and Splenda in the diet sodas.

That's why it pleases me to no end to find that references to Al Capp's gloriously Southern comic strip Li'l Abner can still be found in Kentucky. It's one of the funny ironies of life that Capp wasn't even a hillbilly himself. He spent his entire life in Boston, New York, and Connecticut and got his knowledge of hillbilly lore thirdhand. And yet, his viewpoint was right-on (at least until the late 60s, when he abruptly turned politically ultra-conservative - slightly to the right of Attila the Hun - even as his infamous lecherous nature become even more out of control.)

Anyway, in summary: boring normal people want to keep the hillbilly meme down. The existence of places like the Li'l Abner Motel help keep it alive. Therefore, it is good. Next time you're looking for lodging in the Red River Gorge area, give them your business and tell them I sent you by.

Put your butts here

Toilet ashtray outside a Red River Gorge tourist trap.